This is Where We Used To Live
by Xtina Jones
Summary: This is a short bit I wrote about Ben's feelings in between NT1 and 2.I guess it's kind of spoilerish.It's really angsty and it deals with suicide.I have two alternate endings, one of which is BenAbi.
1. This is Where We Used to Live

This is a oneshot from Ben's POV that I wrote. It actually currently has 2 alternate endings that I will be posting.

I was compelled to write this from an idea I got while listening to the Barenaked Ladies' song The Old Apartment (dont own that)

Just a warning: it's kind of a dark story at the end

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_Broke into the old apartment  
This is where we used to live  
Broken glass, broke and hungry  
Broken hearts and broken bones  
This is where we used to live_

This wasn't his house anymore. So why was he here? As he walked down the dark hall to his study, his mind filled with the most recent memories he associated with this place. They were not happy ones. His heart ached when he thought of her. It had been a few months, but he still hadn't gotten over her. He still didn't know what went wrong. He probably never would.

_Why did you paint the walls?  
Why did you clean the floor?  
Why did you plaster over the hole I punched in the door?  
This is where we used to live_

He noted the subtle changes that most people would ignore. Each one screamed out to him. They reminded him once again that he no longer belonged here, that this was no longer his home. He wondered why she had changed certain things. It wasn't his business anymore; maybe it had never been his business. He reached his study and the memories came rushing into his mind at a higher intensity. He could almost see her standing in the doorway the way she had that night. He could still hear her yells. He remembered every word she had screamed at him; they had only replayed in his mind every night since. _  
_

_Why did you keep the mousetrap?  
Why did you keep the dish rack?  
These things used to be mine  
I guess they still are, I want them back_

On his way back down the hall he noted the things she had kept out, mostly pieces of her own historical collection, but he saw some items that were his. How had he missed getting that table back? He sighed. Did it really matter anymore? Reclaiming the table wouldn't fill the empty void that was now his heart. Nothing would ever be enough, not all the treasure in the world._  
_

_Why did they pave the lawn?  
Why did they change the locks?  
Why did I have to break in, I only came here to talk  
This is where we used to live_

Rejoining Riley in the front hall, he was almost ashamed at what they had done. The box in his hands felt heavier than it actually was. He almost laughed at how ridiculous the situation was. He never thought he'd have to break into his own house. He also never thought that the house would no longer be his, or that she would no longer be his. When he first realized that he would have to steal her access card, he convinced himself that that was the only reason why he was here. Now that he had what he wanted, he should have been getting out of there. Instead he was milling about, and both he and Riley knew why. He wanted to see her. Even though he knew it would hurt him, he just wanted one last chance. Somehow his lovesick mind convinced him that it was possible she would miraculously take him back. He should have known better.

_Broke into the old apartment  
Tore the phone out of the wall  
Only memories, fading memories  
Blending into dull tableaux  
I want them back_

She caught them on their way out. He got what he wanted; he got to see her. But he wasn't prepared for seeing the other person with her. She was on a date, with some guy from work. He was terribly jealous. Then the guy had the nerve to kiss her goodnight, right in front of him, as if the guy was unaware of just exactly who he was. That was when he knew it was really over. He had really lost her. Had he really been so stupid and naïve to believe he even had the slightest hope at getting her back? Everything started to blur, and he realized he was about to cry. He couldn't look at her, standing there in a black dress that strongly reminded him of the night that changed his life. He didn't hear what she was saying to him, he didn't hear Riley trying to make up an excuse for their presence. He placed the box down at his feet, along with her card. He did this deliberately and slowly, so that she would see he was admitting defeat. He quickly ascended the marble stairs. He glanced up at her for a mere moment. That was all he needed. Her eyes, her hair, her face triggered all the memories he had of them together to resurface in his mind. They weren't even together for that long, but there was so much he recalled. He hurried out the door and into the cool night air before his tears actually fell. It wasn't until he was a good 10 miles down the road that he pulled over. He bowed his head and gave in to the pain that was threatening to engulf him. The tears poured freely from his eyes and the sobs shook his body. He wasn't sure how he long he sat there for, but when his tears finally subsided his heartache remained. He would never get over her, he realized.

He glanced up from the steering wheel and looked at the road before him. Illuminated in the car's headlights was a bridge. He got out of his car and slowly made his way toward the edge. Looking out over the railing, he saw the dark, rushing water below him. He raised his hand to the railing and took a step closer. It was as if everything was happening in slow motion. His thoughts became muddled as he contemplated his next move. Could he really do it? Or was he too much of a coward? Her face flashed through his mind once again. She would never stop haunting him. He couldn't go on like this. He climbed up on to the railing and grabbed on to one of the vertical steel beams for support. He stood there looking into the water, jumping neither forward nor back. He certainly wasn't afraid of the height. He also didn't fear the water. He knew how to properly jump and how to swim. That was the problem. He would have to force himself to forget how to jump and how to swim otherwise this would fail. Failure was not an option. His toes edged forward and his grip on the beam loosened…

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this is really angsty but I like it. i have a happy ending to this and then an angsty/happy ending so I will post both of those. please review and let me know what you thought 


	2. A Good Friend

Alright here's the first ending. It is nice and happy and highlights the Ben/Riley friendship. Enjoy and review please!

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All of a sudden he heard something that sounded like panting. Gripping the beam tightly again, he turned to see what looked like a person come running up to the side of his car. They stopped and bent over, breathing heavily. He stood there, waiting to see what they would do. Maybe he should jump now. They probably hadn't seen his face so they wouldn't be able to identify him.

"Dude, what are you doing?"

He recognized that voice.

"I don't know."

"Exactly, so get down from there."

"No."

"What do you mean 'No'? Have you lost your mind? I just ran like a trillion miles to find you after you just left me there without a car. You are getting down this instant young man."

He couldn't help but chuckle at his friend. His toes slid back from the edge slightly.

"I can't do it."

"I know you can't do it, so come on down and find out if the price is right."

"That's not what I meant. I can't live without her."

"Of course you can. You've got me. I know I may not be much to look at…but I'm more loyal than any dog you could buy."

"I don't know…"

"Come on. Please. Don't make me beg anymore than that."

He could hear the desperation in his voice, masked by the jokes he was making. His grip loosened again, and he turned back to look at the water.

"No! Don't do it Ben. Please, please, please don't jump."

He turned back to look at his friend. His eyes were wide with fear. He jumped back down onto solid ground.

"I wasn't going to."

He was immediately engulfed in a hug. He couldn't help but hug back.

"You're a good friend Riley."

"I know; you don't have to tell me."

"So would you describe yourself as more of a golden retriever or say…a poodle."

"Neither. Don't even think about getting a dog to replace me."

He laughed.

"It would be a lot less work."

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Did you like it? Let me know


	3. I Want You

Ok here's the other alternative ending. It's much longer than the first and is BenAbi-centric. Oh and it might end happily, but you'll have to read it to find out.

P.S. thanks to those that reviewed!

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He didn't notice the car pull up or notice the person that got out of it. He was frozen in time. He couldn't go forward and he couldn't go back. Instead he just stood there, carefully balanced on the railing. Someone's voice managed to make its way through his addled brain. It startled him and he almost accidentally slipped off the railing and into the water.

"Get down from there."

The voice was demanding. He instantly knew whom it belonged to. This realization surprised him, and he almost jumped while he still had the chance. But the voice spoke again.

"Benjamin Franklin Gates don't you dare jump."

He was not expecting her to come after him. This development definitely affected his original plans. He always had given in to that voice, and he always would. Why did she have to do this to him? Why couldn't she just leave him alone? He wanted to tell her to go back to that guy and just let him end his life in peace, but he couldn't bring himself to speak. He didn't look at her either; he kept his eyes trained on the swirling waters below. A cool breeze blew through his hair and sent a chill down his spine. The water was probably freezing. At least that would numb the pain.

"Please Ben."

He couldn't ignore her any longer.

"Why?"

He raised his head and looked into her eyes, waiting.

"Why not?"

Damn her. She knew how to get to him. She knew him so well that it scared him sometimes. He remembered when he used to love her ability to understand him when no one else did. Those times seemed so long ago.

"I asked you first."

She sighed. She sounded sad and tired when she spoke.

"I have a lot of explaining to do. I wasn't intending to be telling you like this, but you should know. I'm pregnant."

He was fairly certain that he must have heard her incorrectly. There was no way that she could be…well actually it was possible. He hadn't seen her in 3 months, so how would he know what she had been doing. For all he knew it was probably that guy's. His feet inched toward the edge.

"I'm 5 months along."

His heart nearly stopped. That wasn't possible. Unless she had cheated on him, that baby was supposedly his. How could he not have noticed? His feet slid back from the edge again. He slowly turned to look at her. She was wearing a coat over her dress, but he could make out a distinct bump. The wind blew wisps of her blonde hair into her face, and he had to listen closely to make out her words.

"I should have told you. I guess I was scared. We hadn't even been together for that long. I didn't want to tie you down with a commitment neither of us was prepared for. I was afraid you'd leave, so to spare myself the pain I got rid of you myself. That was probably not one of my smarter moves. What I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry Ben. I know it's probably too late for that and it's not going to change anything, but I just wanted to tell you. So to answer your question, I'm really no longer in any position to tell you what to do with your life. Just know that if you decide to jump, then I'll have to jump next."

He wasn't fully aware of what he was doing, but suddenly he was jumping off the railing back onto the ground and walking toward her. He stopped a safe distance away from her. If he got too close he would lose his resolve and end up losing the battle with his urge to just take her in his arms. He finally managed to find his voice and speak.

"You can't jump."

"Neither can you."

"Why not?"

"I need you."

"No you don't."

"I tried to convince myself of that, but it never worked."

"What about that guy?"

"I called him right after you left and ended things before they got the chance to start."

"Why?"

"He's not you."

"I don't know if I can do this."

"I understand. I don't know what I was thinking. I just wanted one last chance. I guess we're done here then. Promise me you won't jump and I'll leave."

He looked deep into her blue eyes and noticed the sadness and pain in them that he felt in his own heart. He found himself returning her small smile.

"I promise."

"I'll hold you to that. Goodnight Ben. Drive carefully."

She turned and began walking back to her car. All of a sudden he was overcome by the feeling that he would never see her again. Was this his second chance? Was he letting it slip away?

"Wait!"

He ran after her and placed his hand lightly on her shoulder. He felt her tense up and breathe in sharply. He stood there, afraid to speak, afraid to move.

"The…the baby. It's…mine?"

She spun around to face him, a flicker of something that looked like hope in her eyes.

"Of course it is."

He let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding.

"Do you think that I could maybe…visit or something after it's born?"

He waited for her to respond. He tried to read her eyes. The flicker of hope had died and was once again replaced with sadness.

"I don't think I'll be able to deal with that."

His heart sank.

"Why not?"

"That's not what I want."

"What do you want?"

"You."

He didn't know what to say. This is what he had wanted to hear from her for so long. He couldn't find the right words to say. The wind picked up and he shivered. He noticed her pull her jacket tighter around her body. Finally he was able to speak again.

"Do you mean it?"

"Yes. I'm in love with you Ben. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize that. I know I can't take back what was said and done, but I'll do whatever it takes to be with you again. And if you want nothing to do with me, I'll leave. I'll move back to Germany and you can forget I even existed."

"I'd never be able to do that. You're all I think about. And yes some of the things you said and did hurt me, but I was also at fault. I want a second chance. I want you too."

He paused, noticing her eyes seemed to be glistening with tears. Maybe it was just from the cold. He slowly removed his hand from her shoulder and lowered it. He did not meet her gaze as he reached forward, shaking terribly, until his hand was lightly resting on her protruding stomach.

"And I…"

He couldn't talk again. He was too overcome with emotion. He blinked his eyes furiously, holding the tears at bay. With a gulp he was able to continue.

"I want this baby more than anything else in the world. I certainly am not prepared for this in any way, and I have no idea how to be a good father, but I want to try. All I know is that I love you Abigail and I already love this baby. If that's not enough, then I don't know what else there is to do."

She didn't respond and he began to get worried. He looked up at her and saw that tears were streaming down her face. He hated to see her cry. With his free hand he gently wiped away her tears.

"Everything's gonna be ok Abi, I promise."

Still she said nothing. Her eyes looked down to his hand that was still protectively resting on her stomach. She placed her hand on top of his and smiled up at him through teary eyes.

He watched as she seemed to be attempting to form words, but nothing came out. Instead she flung her arms around him and buried her face in his chest.

Finally feeling whole for the first time in months, he held her in a tight embrace and settled his chin on the top of her head.

Not wanting to let her go but needing to look into her brilliant blue eyes, he tilted her chin up so that he could see her properly.

Their eyes locked and he felt as if they were the only two people in the world. Leaning forward slowly, he captured her lips in a delicate kiss. Their tears mixed together as they cried for the time that they had lost, but also for the second chance they had been given.

Hours later as they lay in their bed after becoming reacquainted with each other's bodies, he was absentmindedly tracing his fingers over her round stomach.

"Ben?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you promise me something?"

The serious tone of her voice caught his attention. He looked up at her.

"Promise me you won't try or even think about doing what you almost did tonight ever again."

He didn't even hesitate.

"I promise."

"I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you."

"You won't. I'll never leave you Abigail."

He lowered his head to her stomach.

"Or you."

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Cheesy ending I know, but I couldn't make Ben actually jump...leave a review

If you're into BenAbi stories (who isn't?) I have one titled There You'll Be. It'll have some new chapters up by sometime tomorrow so be sure to check it out!


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